Empathy: The feel of resonance and its implications

I’m on my way home from the Ashoka U conference. That’s the division of Ashoka that focuses on supporting social entrepreneurship education in the university setting. I felt full and almost overloaded with making connections both with ideas and people, as just about every moment was filled with listening, conversation with amazing people doing amazing things – from someone whose venture supports women in small Central American rural villages gain a livelihood by making household products available (a venture that is in the midst of globalizing), to hearing a long-time social entrepreneur and another Ashoka fellow share about his latest project developing new modes of exchange within communities.

On Saturday morning, Bill Drayton, Ashoka’s founder, opened the day in conversation with Gregory Dees and Susan Davis. He emphasized his view that empathy is a critical skill that must be developed if we want a better world. I agree in many respects. And, happily, empathy was big aspect of what I aimed to focus on in my workshop later that afternoon. I figured I was in the right territory.

Offering a different conversation

I know and deeply appreciate that social entrepreneurs are “people of action” – focused (and rightly so!) on making things happen, generating scalable and sustainable solutions to pressing problems. What I was offering in my workshop was an exploration of a conversation that social entrepreneurs are not so inclined to have on their own – a more reflective conversation. I was aiming to demonstrate the kind of conversation I have with clients at the beginning of my work with them, a conversation in which I am aiming to support them in clarifying what it is they are dedicated to accomplishing – not necessarily the specific measurable concrete outcomes. Rather, this conversation is focused more on the sense of their vision, how they imagine things would be going if they were being successful. And, in this conversation, it’s important for the person facilitating it (that would be the coach) to aim for a sense of resonance with the client (that would be the social entrepreneur). Resonance is an actual biological phenomenon. You know that feeling of when you feel “felt” emotionally? When you sense another really “gets” you? When you really make contact with another? That’s resonance. It’s a state in which one human being’s nervous system is attuned to another’s. And “resonance” is at the core of empathy.

Edgar Cahn, a long-time social entrepreneur was in my room. I know his has been a hard-working, difference-making guy for decades, and wasn’t sure what he would think of what I was offering and the extent to which he’d find it useful, Nonetheless, with some anxiety, as I opened the session, I invited him to share with the group at the end of session his thoughts about what we’d looked at in the session and how he felt it might be valuable to social entrepreneurs.

Empathy as more than just a skill

While in the morning, Drayton talked about “empathy” as a “skill” – I suggest that it’s way more than that. I think it’s more powerful to think of empathy as a quality – a way of orienting ourselves toward another or others, in which we are attuned to how they are thinking and feeling. We experience a sense of connection or contact with them. When we cultivate the quality of empathy in ourselves, we begin to demonstrate behaviors that are “empathic”, we relate to others and our circumstances in new ways – we tend to move toward others vs. away from them, we face them vs. turn away from them, we make authentic contact with others. If you are in the “business” of social transformation, this is, indeed, an important quality to embody. But as you’ll see in a moment, not just in the way we’d usually think.

My colleague, Cheryl, who has an amazing talent for generating projects that bring together diverse individuals and organizations across sectors to put their heads and hearts together to forge new pathways for addressing important social problems. offered herself up as my guinea pig, in front of the workshop group of 35 or so people. Working on several projects with Cheryl, I have a general sense of what she’s up to, but I put on hold any preconceptions I had and asked her, “So, Cheryl – a year from now, if your aspirations/vision were unfolding in the way your really want them to, what would be happening? How would you know you were being successful?”

Cheryl spoke about her vision of creating a social innovation lab at the college, a hub of cross-sectoral activity and creativity. As Cheryl talked, she was animated, her hands gesturing in a way that suggested a building and amplifying of energy. I kept being curious, asking, so what does it feel like as you talk about this? What emotions are present? What does your energy feel like? She shared that she felt a sense of intentionality in what she was aiming for. I even asked her to get up and show me how this kind of intentionality would show up in her body as she walked. She walked across the room and first demonstrated a sense that felt ambling and meandering, how she felt before her vision began to coalesce. And then she walked in a way that was more purposeful, not rigid, but with a greater sense of extension in her back, a greater sense of focus. Cheryl is a person with huge energy and capacity for generating ideas. But this sometimes feels to her (and to others), like a vortex that is grabbing her. She noticed that in this conversation, she had a sense of being bigger than that energy. We were getting at the “felt sense” of her vision – an anchoring in the body. And importantly, it was clear she felt deeply listened to. We made contact with each other.

My emphasis in the workshop was less on the client side and more on the coaches side of the conversation. How does the listener need to be oriented so that the speaker is best supported in their being able to articulate their aspirations. To facilitate this in the short time we had, I set up a paired exercise with a focus on having the participant practice and experience the “feel” of the conversation vs. the specific content being shared – to aim for making contact with the person they were listening to. I asked each pair to take terms talking about something they cared about deeply or were excited about. To practice the “feel” of the conversation, when each person was the “listener” I suggested that they:

intentionally take on a mood of curiosity
aim for getting a "felt sense" of the person vs. analyzing them or figuring them out
go for a multi-dimensional understanding or sense of the person
be aware of their own body as they were listening to the person (how open and receptive? How anxious, contracted or tight?)

Almost overlooked wisdom: Recognizing the aspirations of others

The room buzzed with energy an conversation for the 15 or so minutes of the exercise. Our hour was just about up. I was wrapping up the session when Cheryl reminded me that I had asked Edgar to comment on his experience with the group. With some embarrassment, I apologized to Edgar for forgetting, hoping, I hadn’t shown up as rude or disrespectful. (I didn’t mind if I showed up as just plain old flakey – which was the truth of it!)

Was I glad that Cheryl had prompted me to have Edgar talk! Sitting toward the front of the group, Edgar rose and shared so thoughtfully, it gave me the chills. “Social entrepreneurs live in the future,” he began, “They live with confidence about being able to fulfill the possibilities they sense, even when the “how” is not yet clear. This is an orientation they live.” And, here’s the part that I found unexpected and perhaps most relevant: Edgar shared that, while the social entrepreneur’s lives in a sense of confidence about the future, it’s important in bringing along those people who work with you, to help them tap into their own aspirations. He suggested that what makes an effort strong is when those working with you are connected to their own vision – what’s heartfelt for them, so that they are generating their own commitment in alignment with the larger vision the social entrepreneur is generating. This kind of contact between people makes for a durable bond.

As Edgar shared I found myself appreciating his sensitivity to that which will support an initiative’s being sustainable – not having a bunch of “followers” but creating the conditions for people to be operating from a sense of their own aspirations in alignment with that of the larger initiative. This struck me as so respectful of each individual – not just viewing them as a means to an end. This is empathy directed not in the usual way we might consider it – to the beneficiaries of the venture. Rather, it’s seeing the role of empathy in creating a strong, durable and generative team.

Fundamentally, having this kind of conversation successfully requires being grounded in empathy. It is both a conversation for real connection and relationship, as well as a conversation for exploring possibilities. This combination is at the core of what makes for real loyalty. In my experience, there is no short supply of self-focused and even narcissistic leaders who forget the wisdom that Edgar shared at the end of the workshop!

What you can do: Try on orienting yourself in this new way

So what kind of conversation is this exactly? And how do you have it?

You can experiment anytime, anywhere. Try it with the people you care about. See what happens. Let them know you are experimenting, so they aren’t just wondering “Why are you talking with me this way?” and feeling disoriented and skeptical.

Once you have a sense of it, you can try it with the people you work with. It may be disorienting to them, too, if you’ve never had this kind of conversation with them. So, again, it’s a good to let them know it’s new for you – something you’re trying out.

First, go back to my suggestions above about the orientation:

Be curious: let go of your preconceived ideas about this person, ask questions that are open-ended and let them really describe their experience, their ideas, their sense of things, This is not about "getting information" or giving advice. Be curious abouthte other person’s world: What are they thinking? how are they feeling about it? What is the energy of it? Their energy for it? The texture of it? The felt sense of it? It’s really fine if they remain a bit mysterious and beyond what you can fully grasp!

Aim for getting a "felt sense" of the person vs. analyzing them or figuring them out: You want to get a good "feel" for the person vs. "figuring them out". Imagine your are "receiving" or "taking them in" – like you might breath in the salty fresh air at the beach. This is more like when a good writer develops a rich and nuanced character than doing a clinical case study.

The more multi-dimensional the better: As you talk with the person, the more specific they can be, the better – Not so because it gives you more information, but because it supports the person in getting a fuller sense of what they are talking about. Ask for details and examples in an encouraging and open way vs. a interrogating and narrowing way. Imagine that you are providing an opportunity for the person to have what they are talking about "take form" vs. putting them on the spot or pushing them to explain themselves.

Be aware of your body as you are listening: A good way to check on your curiosity and the openness of your listening is to bring your awareness to the degree to which your body is relaxed, receptive and open. How tight or contracted are you? Having a "dual awareness" of what’s happening for you and for the other person fosters a sense of resonance between you and the person you are listening to. And, resonance is a key aspect of empathy.

Then, ask the person to: “Share with me something you care about deeply or are really excited about.”

What makes that so important or compelling for you?
What does it feel like in your body as you talk about it?
What emotions seem to be present as you talk about it?
Any images?
How does your energy feel as you talk about it?Where do you feel it? What is the quality, texture, feel of that energy? How does it affect you?

See how it goes. How does it feel for you to be in this kind of conversation? How easy or difficult? How does it affect you? How does it affect the other person? How does it affect the relationship? When is this kind of conversation the appropriate one to have? When is it not?